Sleeping with Ghosts
by AmberGoldenEyes
Summary: Edward left Jasper at the bus station 12 years ago, now on Jaspers thirtieth birthday they bump into each other. How will they deal with so many years of regret?
1. Of Wilted Roses

EDITED VERSION :

**I have dabbled around a lot in recent times with my feelings swirling around with heartbreak or love. I didn't know how to begin it. It wasn't till my life collapsed about two weeks ago that Sleeping With Ghosts came back into my life and I finally had a breakthrough.**

**I don't own any of Stephanie Meyer's adorable men. I merely like manipulating them for my selfish desires. I don't own any reference to poetry or song lyrics, all of them go to the artists and individual owners of the material. I also will say that this will be a bittersweet love story. All human.**

**I would like to dedicate this to Alterbridge. Your music has given me a whole lot of help with this story. And this is also dedicated to Francesco Spezzotti - forever we have the time to love and if we fall apart know that I love you more than life itself.**

**I also want to thank my amazing beta kinnetikdreams who has stayed by me through the dark years and the broken promises of my old relationship. I also want to thank her for making me stronger.**

**t**_**he italics are used for past tense **_

**song: Fallout by Alterbridge**

**Chapter 1**

_**Of wilted Roses**_

**12 years earlier:**

He grasped my face in my hands. His dark green eyes filled with pain. I didn't understand it at all. My body was trying to work through both pain and anger all at the same time.

"Why, Why are you doing this?" I could hear my voice pleading.

He looked at me and his fingers began tracing my jawline. I was frozen solid as the snow beat down against us. I could feel his warm breath on my face and for a moment I was transpired back to the moment I first met Edward.

_I had been a freshmen at Forks High School and had moved from Dallas, Texas. I moved there because my mother had died and my father wanted us to start over somewhere new, with no sad memories. I was young and clearly naive. I was only fifteen when she passed away from cancer._

_My father was hit with the worst of it. They had been married for nearly 20 years and he had never touched an ounce of alcohol until we moved to Forks. He would come home from work and immediately open his first drink of the night, followed by many._

_I was lucky enough to have a father who's anger did not come out when he was drunk. I knew I had to be strong for him. This was not the time to let my own weaknesses become a problem._

_Because of the moving to our new home and trying to keep strong for my father and help him through his own time of mourning and loss, I never really had a chance to mourn my mother's passing._

_My high school was a small yet comfortable place. The teachers were all very nice to me. I got along well with a few people. I just did not want to get close to anyone ever again._

_I was hiding from everyone from my family, from my father._

_You see I was always the quiet one in my family. My older sister Alice had moved to New York when I turned fourteen. She was spunky and pixie like with my father's black hair and ice blue eyes. I was the one that stayed home, cooked and studied. I loved running, but always ran alone._

_I looked like my mother most of all. Sometimes when my father looked at me, his eyes would glaze over and darken._

_I think he hated me for looking like her._

_My hair was dark blonde and curled underneath my ears and wavy like her's. Everyone said that my smile was just like my mother's, my eyes crinkling in the same way when I laughed._

_But I was not like her at alI. I was something most people considered to be "wrong". I was a committed and forbidden sin. I was gay._

_Whenever I tried to talk to my father about this, he would refuse to listen, refuse to believe that HIS son could be gay and would just start pushing yet another new girl towards me._

_As far as I was concerned, I could only see girls as being potential friends, not lovers._

_However, there was a problem in the fact that I had never ever even dated a guy, let alone become involved in anything more serious with one._

_Sure there had been many crushes in my elementary years and through middle school, but I was scared of admitting the truth. In some circles of my home state, people who were gay were frequently held in very low esteem by certain individuals. Indeed many gay people had been victims of bashing and other forms of abuse and I had no wish to join the list of those who had been either attacked or at the very least, ridiculed and driven out of their school or sometimes, even their homes._

_But that all changed when I met Edward during my freshman year._

_I was sitting in Biology when he walked into my class with a schedule in his hand._

_I had to stop and look at him for a moment._

_He had high cheekbones and a sculpted nose and a mouth that looked like it could keep you awake at night and keep kissing you forever. His hair was a light bronze and looked like he had just crawled out of bed. His eyes were a light green and when he looked directly at me, melted me straight into the floor beneath me._

_He had moved here from Alaska and was a year older than me. From the minute I saw him, I was determined to impress Edward Masen no matter what I had to do to get his attention and hopefully his affection._

_The friendship between Edward and I seemed to come very easily and very quickly. I had noticed Edward several days later, standing near the lockers looking for his key and trying to unlock the small door. I immediately seized my opportunity to introduce myself and offer of help to hold his books while he continued to struggle to get the door open. Edward happily but shyly accepted my offer, holding out his hand to shake mine and soon afterwards we became inseparable. Seeing each other in shared classes, lunch times and Study hall and as often as we could, after school as well. The weekends of course were a bit more difficult to arrange._

_And it was Edward who kissed me during our homecoming dance._

_I was sitting there with a friend of mine Angela Webber, who, I had asked to the dance because I was unsure if Edward liked me in the way that I liked him._

_Towards the end of the night, he had walked up and asked Angela if she needed a ride home but all the while his eyes did not leave mine._

_She had said "no thanks, I already have a ride" and then walked over and started talking with her friend Bella Swan._

_I had just started to follow her over to where Bella was sitting and suddenly felt his hand on my shoulder. I turned around to face him and was shocked to see his eyes glazing over as they roamed slowly up and down my body. I am sure that I blushed red to my toes and felt like I was on fire._

_"Jasper ..." he said my name as if he wanted to ask me a question. I could feel my heart starting to beat faster than I thought could be humanly possible. We stayed there looking at each other for what seemed like forever._

_"Can we talk?" he asked and I noticed that his voice had an almost nervous shake to it._

_My mind started to wander ... "Edward Masen – NERVOUS?"_

_Edward Masen was the Quarterback of the football team. Edward Masen was smart and extremely passionate about music. Edward Masen was wealthy and drove a very shiny new silver Volvo. But just the same, I knew that this Edward Masen standing here in front of me right now WAS NERVOUS._

_And I noticed with a strange sort of feeling starting to make it's presence known in the pit of my stomach, that this Edward Masen was actually starting to tremble as he continued to look at me._

_Edward silently gestured towards the doorway and I followed closely behind as he lead me without touching through the door and across the parking lot towards his car._

_He turned to look at me as he leaned against the side of the Volvo. The light of the dance hall glittered in his eyes and I felt my mouth go dry._

_"Jasper, I have to tell you something and promise you won't hate me for it." he said as he fiddled unnecessarily with the cuffs of his expensive tuxedo jacket._

_"Yes?" I asked quietly, feeling overwhelmed with standing so close to him._

_Our eyes met for a moment and my heart stopped beating as he took a step towards me. His fingers ran over the back of my head and pulled me closer._

_"I think I'm in love with you" he finally whispered after waiting for what seemed like an eternity._

_His lips touched mine gently and softly and I felt as if the world had just stopped spinning, leaving only us standing here in this moment, almost frozen in time._

_We had been together for almost three years._

November had come quickly and the snow hadn't stopped as I waited patiently for the answer to come from Edward's lips.

We were standing in front of the bus station at what I thought was just another trip to the mall.

He was holding my face in his hands and the pain I felt in my throat was trying to choke me.

"I don't think I can love you anymore" he said quietly and his tears were running down his face like it was raining pouring from the skies above us.

My heart split into two. It was if God was punishing me for something that I had no doubt about. I was about to turn eighteen in a little over a month.

I had graduated with the boy that I loved. I was there for him. As I stood there on that day, I could feel my heart breaking within my body. I wanted to scream at him

_"WHY, WHY? Why can't you love me anymore?"_

What had gone wrong?

He took a step back removing his soft hands from my face. He suddenly appeared cold and showed no emotion as the snow continued to swirl all around us.

"Edward" I said, hearing the shock and pleading in my own voice.

"I'm going to work with my father now. I don't think I'll be able to love you." His voice sounded like he was a machine. Without any further words being spoken, he quickly moved away from me and stepped up onto the now waiting bus. Before I could even speak, he was on that bus. Before my heart took another beat, he was gone.

I stood in the snow letting the tears run down my face uncontrollably. I could actually feel the physical pain of my heart breaking into pieces.

I had returned home late that night, home where my best friend Bella shared an apartment with me. We had become closer since our freshmen year learner's project. Bella and I had decided to share an apartment together soon after our graduation and our friendship was something that I treasured.

"Jasper – what's wrong?" she asked when she saw my distress and tear stained face. I was shaking, unable to answer her. I was stuck inside of my own pain.

"Edward.. he...left" I gasped, struggling to get out of my jacket.

"Why? Whatever for?" Bella almost yelled at me, becoming more and more upset at seeing the state I was now in.

I had met Edward's parents Carlisle and Esme about 6 months after I had met Edward. I had immediately liked his mother, she reminded me so much of my own, but his father had taken an immediate dislike to me and I had always felt extremely uncomfortable whenever I was around him.

Carlisle Masen hadn't wasted little time in telling me that I had "tainted his son". I was lost in tears that night almost 3 years ago, as Edward held me and I heard his father and mother arguing downstairs about "Edward's and my "friendship" and the effect that I was having on their son and his future".

After we had graduated, his father had offered him a job in New York where my sister was living. Edward had not given his father an answer and he was constantly phoning and he and Edward were always fighting about the same thing over and over again – ME.

Thinking things over, I think I knew that it would only be a matter of time and that finally, Edward would give in. I bitterly decided that perhaps it really wasn't that painful to leave the man you loved for a father who would eventually break you and bend you to his will. Carlisle Masen had won and I had lost everything.

"Carlisle" I silently screamed into my pillow later that night, finally falling asleep with my thoughts consumed by how much I hated Carlisle Masen.

**I cried a little inside when I wrote that. It was a lot like my own break up. Please don't be mad or hate me for making our Carlisle the "bad guy" in this story – I promise to make him the good guy again in my next one !**

**I hope that you will give me your thoughts and reviews on this. I have had an amazing time putting this all together and hope that you will come along with me for their journey.**

**I think that I am slowly falling in love with Jasper Hale Whitlock.**

**Remember reviews equal love every time and keeps me motivated to keep writing and post new chapters!**

**-Amber**


	2. Of Spotlights and Heartbeats

**I want to say and give amazing thanks to all the favourites, pm's and the reviews that I've received for this story. I also want to thank my Editor for her help and her calm patience. I will not, however, give an apology to the lateness of chapter two. I have a job and doing this on my day off !**

**Now, as I will let you know some of the grammar will be corrected, just because my editor is an Aussie, so sometimes I miss a few things after re-reading her edits, if I do, blame me not her... or blame the both of us because we don't really care anyway ... lol**

**I am very glad that some of you think this has great potential. I will admit that some of the chapters will have a lot of my past experiences in them, wrapping around the plot and the amazing characters that I manipulate and give some character to.**

**I would like to thank a couple of people for the outline of this chapter. First off to Francesco, you've been amazing and your British accent is so cute and I want to thank James for being there for me too, when I was short on ideas ... you are a LIFESAVER!**

**I also have been looking for a person to make a banner for this. If you are interested in it, pm me, I will tell you about my ideas for it ...**

**I would also like to thank OCDjen for giving me inspiration to write this little scene. I don't own anything and think you should all check her out !**

**I own nothing related to Queer as Folks nor the Twilight Saga ... I am just having some fun with these wonderful characters.**

**Song: Dynamite by Taio Cruz**

**Chapter 2**

_**Of Spotlights and Heart Beats:**_

**12 YEARS LATER **

My head leaned back as the confetti fell down from the ceiling of the dance hall. I could smell the scents of alcohol and cologne. I had to admit that after 12 years of being single with the occasional fling. I would always come back to club Rockwell.

The club was packed with men of all ages. They leaned against the walls sipping their drinks, others, were on the dance floor like me, pressing against someone.

The club wasn't that big but had room enough for one large dance floor in the middle where the dancers moved around each other, and spotlights and confetti were always shining through the darkness. The bar was packed with strippers dancing as people ordered their drinks, not even bothering to glance up at the latest addition to the bar attractions.

This was my home. The only place I felt happy and comfortable in. Home it was indeed and I was always happy to be at home. I loved it!

"Jazz!" a loud booming voice came from behind me. I turned my head over my shoulder and smiled at the man I saw waving at me.

Emmett McCarty was standing next to the bar with my other two friends Jacob Black and Rosalie Hale.

I had met Emmett my first year after moving to New Jersey. He was the apartment manager where I lived. He was spunky with his spiky, short cut brown hair and his work out muscles.

He was also my first gay "best friend". I enjoyed his company and we had known each other since I was nineteen. He was honest, stubborn, and thought he was everyman's wet dream.

Jacob and his girlfriend Rosalie Hale I had met a little while into my first year at college. They were a unique couple. Rose had platinum blonde hair and a nice body, at least that's what I had heard anyway.

Jacob Black was American Indian and his eyes were dark black and whenever he smiled those dimples he so hated, would show.

They were the closest thing to my family since my dad had passed away a couple of years ago from a stroke.

I moved through the crowd of boys. The sounds of laughter and drunken talk drifted through my ears and into the air.

"There's my birthday boy!" Emmett said pulling me into a side hug.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Today was my thirtieth birthday. I was officially not a kid anymore, however, Emmett always told us that growing up and staying kid-like were two different things. I kind of agreed with him on that.

Emmett was friends with Laurent the manager here at club Rockwell and had made sure that they played all my favorite music and that drinks were free for me and my friends.

_I owed him a lot._

"You're an old man now." Jacob joined in receiving a playful smack from Rose.

"Oh shut up." I laughed back, the music vibrating against my chest as Emmett handed me a Lime martini.

Rose leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I was still four inches shorter than her. She was the tallest girl I had met...well, since Bella anyway.

Bella and I were still close friends but she had stayed in Forks to take care of her father. I called her every week to catch up and would be seeing her when she came into New Jersey for her job.

I smiled at her and mouthed a "thank you" and then took a swig of my martini letting my eyes trace back to the crowd of bodies out on the dance floor.

I was half listening to Rose talk to Jacob about the meeting that she was having on Monday when I felt Emmett's elbow hit me in my side.

I turned to look at him, his expression seemed to be in shock and almost awe.

"What?" I said slowly. His gaze was staring straight into the crowd. I watched his eyes narrow and felt his muscles flex as I touched his arm.

"Look" he hissed pointing forward and all of us looked toward the stage and straight to the middle of the dance floor.

It suddenly felt as if the whole world had stopped and I was falling into a dark hole.

There dancing on the stage wearing nothing but a pair of black leather jeans was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.

He was swinging his hips to the beat of the music. His chest was tight and his abs looked as though they were sculpted by a god. His smile touched his eyes and his cheekbones gave him a look of an older and more serious man.

His hair was Bronze and looked like he had just rolled out of bed. His eyes were a dark green and looked as though you could get lost in them.

I was drooling against Emmett. I was hard already in my dark blue jeans. I could only lick my lips as I watched him dance.

"Wow" was the only thing that I could manage. I could hear Jacob and Rose snickering at me.

"Who is the looker?" Rose chuckled and I tried to turn over to her to playfully smack her arm.

"That's Laurent's new play toy. Edward Masen", Emmett said softly, a tone of lust hitting the edge of his voice.

I suddenly felt my heart shatter and I tried leaning against the drink counter.

"Jazz" Emmett said suddenly noticing that my body was shaking and my heart was beating faster.

_How in the fuck did he find me? What was he doing here?_

My mind started rushing with thoughts and I felt dizzy. I almost dropped my glass, which, Jacob had thankfully taken out of my hand before it went crashing to the floor.

"Jazz, you alright?" Emmett tried again his expression flicking to worry.

_I had to remain calm. I had to turn into the smart ass and cocky bastard that I had personified myself as... I had to be Jazz Whitlock._

I shook my head and let out a shock of laughter. I saw Emmet and them looking at me like I had lost it.

_Maybe I just did._

"Sorry, there was something in my eye." I laughed and tried to grab my drink from Jacob. I watched Emmett turn back to look at Edward and then at me.

"Shit." I silently cursed to myself.

He was thinking. I could see it as his eyebrows pulled together and his eyes narrowed slightly.

The music turned into a shaking beat and I couldn't help but stare at Edward as he turned around the pole on the dance floor.

I was hard as a rock when my mind was telling me not to be.

_He was my "EX" for Christ sake._

_"Yeah, the ex you never got over huh_?_"_ my thoughts were now spinning in my head.

Suddenly in a flick of light I saw him turn to face me. His eyes widened a little and I turned and faced the bar, feeling his eyes staring straight into the back of my head.

"Jazz, talk."

I heard Emmett's stern tone from behind me. I was still holding my drink staring straight ahead of me wishing right now that I had never told Emmett about a certain "Edward" that I use to date so long ago.

_I had told him how because of that said "Edward" I couldn't commit to anyone – ever._

I knew Emmett was watching my movements toward THIS "Edward person" and I knew that he was now putting two and two together and that it was definitely adding up.

"Is that _HIM?_" Emmett said breathing out the words quietly into my ear.

I turned to face him and saw Rose and Jacob looking toward us both carefully.

"Yeah." I mumbled looking down at the floor.

I was furious and scared, wondering how in the world and out of nowhere could Edward have been here in NJ and more-or-less in a place I now considered my "home".

_I wondered if Fate had decided to fuck me over...again._

I heard a flicker of Carlisle's voice go into the back of my mind as I leaned my head up and tried to avoid Edward's glances.

"_You and your little fag life tainted my son._"

I couldn't help but cringe for a minute as I felt Emmett still watching the both of us.

"Johnny!" Emmett shouted toward the DJ near us. Jazz noticed Emmett whisper something in his ear and he looked towards the dance floor and nodded. Suddenly the music went from thumpa thumpa to a really slow number. A really slow number.

"Dance with me" Emmett said to me and grabbed my arm, leading me to the dance floor. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him curiously.

"Trust me" he said, "just trust me".

We found a spot near the stage and Emmett suddenly took control. He grabbed my hips and pushed me into him. "_Fuck, Emmett is actually grinding against me_" I thought in total confusion.

That's when the click went off in my head and I looked up toward the stage.

Edward was watching us. His green eyes had darkened and he looked extremely angry.

I knew what Emmett was doing and I turned my head to see my best friend smirking.

He was getting revenge on Edward for him hurting and turning me into "player" Jazz !

I had to admit that the thought came into my mind wondering why Edward was looking so angry though.

_He didn't love me anymore...did he?_

I shook that thought out of my head quick, stopping it before I was transported back to that dark hole and rubbed back hard against Emmett, running my fingers through his soft hair and moving in close.

_I loved my best friend._

"Is he staring?" Emmett said into my ear and my eyes turned slightly and noticed that Edward was leaning over the bar, his fingers tightening on the glass in his hand.

"Yep" I whispered back and heard him chuckle and then twirled me around and pushed me back against him.

I laughed loudly and tried to relax. I mean a part of me had wanted Edward to see that I was fine without him.

_However it was all a lie. I was never fine without him._

The bass pumped and our bodies moved even more to the music. I could still feel him staring at me and I couldn't help but smile.

I then turned back to face Emmett with a half smile and he chuckled and pulled our hips together again as we danced.

"Shit." I heard a soft velvet voice whisper from above us.

_I think my heart stopped beating for a moment._

"You tired sweetheart?" Emmett said almost too loudly as I had laid my head against his shoulder.

"A little" I whispered softly and felt his fingers run through my dark locks.

"Come on then, let's get you home" Emmett said and I looked up at Emmett and saw that he was staring directly at Edward just a couple of feet away from us.

"I don't think the air is right in here" he said directly at Edward. I didn't even look as I walked off the dance floor with Emmett's arm around me.

My head was spinning with anger, pain, and lust. I felt so confused, so lost. I knew that I could not handle seeing Edward again on a regular basis. "_Oh God_" I thought, "D_oes this mean that I now have to find myself a new HOME?_"

Rosalie, Jacob, Emmett and I had pushed our way towards the exit and I was leaning against Emmett, still, feeling my heartbeat pumping faster.

"So who was that twink?" Jacob said through the silence as he held onto Rose.

"An ex of Jazz's." Emmett cut me off from saying anything. He sounded pissed.

"No need to be a dick, Em" Rose said having noticed Emmett being a little snippy toward Jacob.

"Sorry, just he wasn't a nice guy to Jazz." Emmett said rubbing my shoulder.

I tried to smile but it didn't reach my eyes. I even walked by the shiny Volvo on the way to our cars with a smile.

I had to be strong.

Emmett had driven me to East Bank Apartments and made sure that I had made it to my door safely.

"Listen if he comes anywhere near you. Please don't hesitate to call" Emmett said with a worried tone.

I nodded my head and took a breath and wrapped my arms around Emmett and kissed his forehead.

"I promise. I love you." I whispered as we pulled back from our hug.

He smiled sweetly.

"Sleep well Jay and I wish you luck at work tomorrow." he said waving as he walked towards the stairs.

I fumbled with the keys for a moment before going inside.

It was only then in the darkness that I slid down the wall and the tears started falling.

**Don't kill me please. I hope you like that little chapter and I'm interested to see how you liked Edward's appearance. I wanted him to have a little-God-like-going on.**

**Oh, I am also interested on what you think about a gay Emmett. I wish I had a best friend like him !**

**Don't forget reviews and comments equal love in my world !**

**Love Amber.**


	3. Of Coffee and Dancing

**I want to thank an extraordinarily amount of people for helping me get back on my feet this week. I want to thank a lot of people for their inspiring words of wisdom and love of this story. I am truly sorry that I haven't been updating as much as I would have liked too, but I also have to work as well – lol.**

**I am very glad that some of you were pleased with my gay Emmett, I am basing him on a dear friend of mine in real life that passed away, of what memories I have of him and his personality. There is a lot of my dear friend in this Emmett.**

**I am very excited about this chapter. It was very hard to choose a few of the ideas running around my head that kept stopping me at work, or perhaps on my days off. I think that you will enjoy this as much as I did reliving it, so to speak. This is a favorite memory of mine from my own life and I wanted our boys to have it as one of their favorites as well.**

**The memories will be in Italics. Most of this story will be in Jasper's point of view, but if some of you want me to, I can also include Edward's as well.**

**Also wanting to thank Kinnetikdreams for her beta skills and to remind everyone that I do not own any of these characters and all the usual disclaimers blah blah – but I must confess that I would certainly love to own the gorgeous Jasper !**

**I am also looking for a banner for the story – so if you are interested in helping me make one – PLEASE LET ME KNOW !**

**This chapter is dedicated to Daniel Atwood.**

**Song: Dancing by Elisa**

**Chapter 3**

_**Of coffee and dancing**_

**Jasper's Pov:**

_I stared up into his green eyes. His finger tips running over my cheeks as the tears flowed. The smell of his cologne was drifting around us in his bedroom._

_"Jazz, my love, please don't cry" he whispered and leaned down to kiss my tears._

_I couldn't help it, I could not stop crying and more tears flowed as I gripped his shoulder and shook slightly, not even aware of the cool breeze drifting through his window and over to us on the bed and fanning the heat in my face from the saltiness of my tears._

_"I'm so sorry Ed-"_

_I was cut off when his lips pressed against mine and his fingers ran through my dark hair. I was breathless and could feel his chest rising against mine._

_"Shh, Jazz" he whispered against my lips and leaned in closer while continuing to wipe my tears as the fighting and angry words from downstairs got even louder._

I looked up from the counter at Starbucks. I had been washing the tables at the bar when the memory had come swiftly like usual, through my mind.

"Must be the snow" I whispered softly and heard the clink of the door behind me open.

"What?" I heard Rose's soft voice behind me and I turned my head and smiled at her.

"Nothing" I said and put the towels away, managing to glance out of the frost covered window watching the snow fall.

"Hungover still?" she laughed softly, while moving to grab a cup of steaming coffee and heading toward a group of huddled teenagers at the table near the window.

I laughed softly and ran a hand through my dark curls.

_I wished that last night hadn't happened. I could still see and feel his dark eyes penetrating through me._

I shook my head trying to get rid of the thoughts and poured a cup of coffee for myself and turned around swiftly only to bump into something...or someone.

"Shit." the voice said breaking through my mind.

I recognized that voice immediately and was hit with a flash of dark green eyes...surprised dark green eyes.

_"You're not doing it right"._

_I sat next to Edward at the piano and played the notes for him again, watching him laugh at the horrid sounds that drifted from the piano._

_"I can't do it" I stammered and pushed away when his hand pressed over mine._

_"Watch." he smiled slowly, and then began to play the melody once again. I had heard him playing this tune over and over again in our little studio._

_He looked the calmest when he played piano. He wanted to become a music teacher and I knew any student of music would be lucky to have him. I was always prone to the most beautiful of daydreams whenever I sat next to him while he played._

_I pouted at his ability to play it so beautifully, and the tinge of jealousy that was running through my veins vanished when I felt his fingers press against my jaw._

_I was instantly looking into green eyes again._

_"I love you" he whispered so softly and his lips had found mine again._

"Jasper?" Edward Masen's voice pressed into the air and I realized that I was on the floor with spilt coffee all over my shirt.

I could feel my heart start to pound and I could see the eyes of everyone around me, looking at me and staring at the newcomer that I was also now looking up at while still in my own private state of shock.

I looked up at him and in a surge of pain I was hit with only one thought.

_What is he doing? Is he stalking me now?_

His expression changed into confusion and I realized that I had narrowed my eyes, and started feeling wetness against my chest.

"What do you want?" I said, only realizing for a second that it sounded so cruel.

I started getting to my feet, pulling off the now wet and soiled apron and my eyes never left his.

I felt as though we were stuck in our own world again. I wanted to stay there forever...with him.

_He broke your heart... he doesn't love you anymore._

"I was just coming in to get coffee. I didn't know that you worked here - honest" he said stammering slightly, running his hand through his copper hair.

I scoffed a little at that and began to grab a towel to clean up the mess on the floor.

"More like stalk-" I tried to say before I heard a large 'clear of the throat' and noticed Rose looking at me with a slight glare.

"Oh," was all I said as I handed her the towel drenched in coffee, trying hard to avoid his eyes.

"I need a cigarette" I said slowly and turned, heading out the back door to the alley.

"Jas-" I heard his voice plead as the door shut in his face. I moved to the alley, my hands shaking as I grabbed the packet out of my shirt pocket.

"I'm just dreaming" I kept muttering to myself.

_"MOM!" Edward complained as his mother held both his hands and they spun a little circle around the kitchen._

_I was leaning against the counter drinking a cup of milk, grinning at the sight._

_She was teaching him to dance like she had back in the seventies and I found it so funny that he kept stepping on her shoes._

_I saw him look at me with a glare and I couldn't help but chuckle and wink back at him._

_"Edward, put your right foot forward" Esme's voice said tenderly and I knew she wasn't wanting to laugh at him as well._

_"I can't do this!" he said angrily, still glaring at me._

_She huffed and then looked at me amused, and with a wiggle of her finger invited me over to join him._

_"Jasper, teach him." she laughed and headed back over to the boiling pot of water._

_I grabbed his hand and looked up into his eyes. He was smirking and suddenly pulled me into the living room, and his hand wrapped around my waist, tugging me tightly against him._

_"Edward-" I gasped at his sudden dominance._

_"Jasper" he said playfully and then spun me around in a circle. I could hear the laughter come from my lips as he spun me again and pulled me even closer._

_"I hate you." I laughed and kissed him._

"Jasper-" Edward's voice cut through my thoughts and I looked at him. He was standing near me in the alley, with a cup of coffee in his hand. His hair was drenched from the rain and his coat looked all messy from the spilt coffee.

"Go away" I said nastily.

_Oh yes, talk like a twelve year old Jasper, that is going to get you somewhere._

I watched him flinch but he still did not move away from me.

"Jazz, I want to talk to yo-" I became even angrier and actually growled at him.

"Don't call me that" I said coldly and watched the pain flicker through his eyes.

_I didn't care._

"Jasper, I wanted to talk to you... about last night." he said suddenly, but staring down at the ground instead of looking at me.

"What about it?" I said coldly.

"I mean, I would just like to catch up with you, that's all. I know it's been a couple of years since-" and my eyes narrowed and that's when I lost it.

"A couple of years? A COUPLE OF FUCKING YEARS?" I snapped at him, and his mouth opened a little in shock.

_I didn't stop._

"You don't want to talk, I know you. Why don't you just go and run off to your daddy now, and quit acting like you even care about me" I yelled at him, not caring if anyone could hear me now.

I watched the pain drench his features and the snow turned into rain instantly.

I then turned on my heel before I could stop myself and headed back into the shop. Leaving him standing alone in the alley, and I felt a slight smile come to my lips, as I pictured him standing there alone in the rain.

I caught sight of Rose standing in the back room looking at me with an exasperated look on her face.

"Jasper, he just wanted to talk" she said slowly and followed me as I moved toward the door to the registers.

"I don't care-" I said slowly and heading away from the counter, grabbing my backpack from the hook.

"Jasper, you can't keep living in the past" she pleaded with me as I got to the door and noticed that the store was now empty.

"I'm not living in the past" I said coldly.

_Lie._

"He came back to talk to you, and you leave him out there standing in the rain because you're still thinking of what's been and gone"

I could tell she was now getting annoyed with me.

"I left HIM out there, because he left ME out there a long time ago" I said and opened the door.

She grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. She looked at me and I could see the anger in her eyes.

_Uh Oh._

"Jasper Whitlock, stop being such a selfish brat and go and talk to the poor boy. He came all the way here to see you"

I looked at her curious now.

"Wait, what?" I said suddenly and the look of annoyance became even more clear on her face.

"He told me he came to apologize." She breathed the words that hit my very soul.

**I hope that you don't kill me and I do hope that it wasn't too short. What do you think of it ... I loved being able to feel Jasper's pain. I mean, it's right to still not trust Edward after what he did...right?**

**Reviews and Favorites are always a pleasure. I hope that you give me some, my dear lovelies !**

**Amber.**


	4. Of Misjudged Pain

**I can't thank you guys enough for the criticism and the love that you have given me over this story. I know the last chapter was pretty short, but I needed an introduction to some of the past pain and problems that Jasper remembers and of course the lovely showing of our beautiful Edward. I hope that you will stay with this story and my boys - who, sadly - I have no right to claim ownership of!**

**I will make sure many of the chapters are longer. Please feel free to comment on how you like them – do you prefer the more detailed and lengthier chapters or do you prefer short chapters simply detailing events and Jasper and Edward's present day interactions. I will try and accommodate everyone's taste to the best of my ability. Remember that reviews always send their own love and also help to motivate me to post more chapters.**

**I came across this while sitting outside on my break smoking a cigarette. I decided that I wanted to do an Edward point of view (after all many of you are probably dying to know how and what he thinks). I will only do his point of view when I feel the need, as, I want this to be a truly one-sided story from our beloved Jasper's view of what is happening now that Edward has re-entered his life once again.**

**I have also been asked why Edward's parents Carlisle and Esme have the Masen surname and not Cullen as most would have expected. I will be talking about it briefly in the chapter and hope you don't kill me for making it a little different – or for liking the name Masen more than Cullen - lol**

**I own no rights to the Twilight or Queer as Folk - like references. I will gladly say that those belong to Stephenie Meyer and to Showtime, it's producers and it's writers. I am just fooling around with the wonderful characters that they individually created for us all to enjoy.**

**PLAYLIST : Numb remixed by Dubstep**

_**Chapter Dedications: Chesko Spezzotti**_

**Chapter 4**

**_Of Misjudged Pain_**

**EDWARD'S POV:**

It has been twelve years since I've seen his face so closely as I had that night in the club. I think I saw a glimpse of the old Jasper..._the Jasper I had known and loved so long ago._

I admitted to myself as I took the long ride home from the coffee shop that I still had a lot to be forgiven for. I had completely destroyed our relationship on my own. I hadn't needed anyone's help to tear everything apart. If I had been Jasper – would I have reacted any differently? No, being honest within my own thoughts, I would have probably left more than coffee stains on his shirt the way he had mine.

The lights had dimmed in my apartment when I finally arrived home. As I turned to switch on the light, my cellphone ringing caught my attention as I glanced down and saw my father's name coming up as my caller.

Seeing my father's name flashing in the dim light like that instantly brought Jasper to my mind and how much he had hated my father and everything about him.

Jasper had never been good at hiding things from me when we were together. I knew he felt the pain that my own father had emotionally inflicted on him, inflicting on him with full knowledge of how much I cared for the boy he was so determined to hurt and destroy.

I could see it and feel it every time he came over for dinner at my house. His posture would become straighter and tighter. His eyes would lose their color. His smiles would be so artificial and his frowns proving his smiles to be nothing more than poorly hidden lies.

I had been so stupid thinking that my father would accept my love for Jasper once he got to know the real Jasper as I did. By my very desire to bring them together didn't change and all I proved and provoked was my father's determination to crush our relationship and Jasper heart as well. _How could I have been so stupid to think that my father could ever have loved anyone – even for his own son._

I clicked the phone shut and turned back to face the light of the window. The moon showed through the clouds and I heard a loud thunderclap.

I had managed to survive the pain that had collapsed around me when I had come from the coffeeshop.

I had found where he worked from his older sister Alice.

Alice and I had still talked over the years since I had left. It was my constant thoughts about how Jasper was doing that convinced me that I had made a terrible mistake.

I had boarded that bus with an angry mind that had collapsed the moment I got to my father's business. I had avoided his calls and text messages with full force.

I wasn't angry at him, just every time I heard his voice or saw the picture come up of him onto my phone's screen I would want to scream at him, telling him how I honestly felt about everything that he had done and how much I had missed him.

My father had introduced me into the company with a large smile and to my mother a painful argument after his comment of me forgetting about that 'faggot'.

I became a workaholic after I started at my father's company. I didn't want to date anyone, I didn't want to think of him. I didn't want to upset my mother or father.

_I thought I had them all fooled._

It wasn't till after three months away from him that I was sitting in my apartment with my mother, who, had stopped over for dinner while my dad was still working.

She had come there with a smile and a hug and even help me cook my dinner.

She had sat down next to me at the table in the kitchen and we had started talking about how I loved New York.

That's when she had this surprised look on her face suddenly and she reached into her pocket.

"Oh, I found this in your room." she said and pulled out a little book. I glanced over at it..wondering how she had found my old diary. I looked up at her and saw her green eyes look at me and a soft tender smile stood at the corner of her lips.

"I thought you might have wanted it. I know that most of the pages are filled and that you probably don't need it...but I want you to look at the back page."

I looked up at her in confusion before turning the leather bound diary over and opened it from behind. I heard a clack on the floor and looked down.

I saw a slip of white paper and reached for it. I felt my heart skip a beat as I opened it.

"Dear Edward," I read outloud.

"_I came over to your mothers when I had been in town. I had heard her side of the break up and wanted to say that I am willing to accept the fact that your choices had pushed away my brother. I am just sad that you didn't tell him anything. You see, he's completely changed. He dropped out of the college that you suggested for him about a week ago. He's very distant and from what Bella tells me...He told her he wouldn't date anyone._

_I hope that you understand that I forgive you, because, your mother told me how your father treated him behind your back and you were probably tired of him being in pain that you left thinking it would solve it._

_Here's my numb-_"

I had stopped reading it. I felt my whole body shaking with pain and anger. I heard the loud gasp come from me as the sobs and tears started and I looked at my mother.

"Why?" I asked her.

She merely placed a soft hand over mine and looked at me with hurt look.

"Edward, what your father did was wrong. If you had told me that he did that I could have done something. However, I don't think you should let the past haunt you. I know you never meant to hurt him."

I moved over to her and let my body collapse and I felt her hands on my back letting me cry.

_I had thought I lost him for good._

From then on the years passed by so quickly. I decided to never let anyone see my tears or know that I had failed him. I worked my ass off during the day and at night I would stay up smoking and watching movies that reminded me of him.

I didn't date anyone because none of them were Jasper. Sure, you could say that I had a few dates along the years but most of them drifted away quickly or simply became just friends.

Yet about a few weeks ago I called Alice just to check in. I was back in New Jersey for the week to see a client of mine and I knew she was also here because of some fashion event.

I remember that call like it was yesterday.

_"Edward?"_

_"Yes"_

_"Oh hi, you caught me a busy time, but I am intrigued as to why you called, what's up?"_

_"Ummm, just checking in."_

_"oh"_

_Silence._

_"You want to know how he's doing?"_

_"Yeah."_

_the silence had became deafening._

_"He lives near Blackwood. the local gay club here in town and he works at Starbucks on 35th. He's doing well dear . If you want to see him. I can-"_

I coughed.

_"No, I am glad he's doing alright, would you perhaps like to meet up at Galloway's for coffee sometime?"_

_"Sure, oh and Edward...be good"_

_Silence and confusion hit me._

_"Don't worry darling, I'm sure I'll be seeing you before then."_

-Click-

I remember standing there in my hotel room biting my lip. I always knew that she was very over anxious about things. I had gotten to know here well while I was with Jasper and I liked her very much.

She was a tiny little pixie and spoiled but yet so much like an older sister to me.

I never thought that she would tell me where he lived. I never thought that he would live so very near my hotel.

However, fate must have come to fuck me over..._or break me again._

I then heard my phone start to ring. I turned my head to notice that my dad's name had appeared on the register tab.

I picked it up with a sigh.

"Hello?"

I heard some car noise and the music playing in the background and my mother's voice.

"Hey m'boy. I want us to go to dinner tonight. I have a night off and your mother and I would like to see you."

I groaned silently, I sometimes wondered if they were spying on me, I even wondered what they were doing..._wait! They were in town!_

"Edward?" my father's voice asked.

"Sorry, what bring's you to New Jersey?" I asked getting up reaching for my jeans and a sweater.

"I have a meeting tomorrow with Starbucks. I want to help sell their products with new advertising." He said in an almost business like voice.

I flinched at the mention of Starbucks.

"Oh" was all I could muster.

"Anyway son, we'll be at your apartment in a few minutes..so get ready, we're going to Galloway's"

-Click-

I sighed looking out the window before sliding into some dark blue jeans. I was buttoning up my tailored black shirt and doing my hair when I noticed myself in the mirror.

I looked terrible.

My hair was all over the place and my eyes looked musty as hell, lines underneath seemed to make me look dead.

I sighed brushing my teeth and messing with my hair. I even made sure to put a little extra cologne on.

I had to pretend to be straight, since my father thought I had been going through a phase.

_He was always wrong._

I glanced around to makesure the kitchen was clean and swept the floor and got rid of an old pack of cigarettes from the counter before I stood near the front door to wait.

I had moved to New Jersey about a week ago. It had been a spur of the moment thing. I loved the people around here and the scenery was very nice outside my window..._plus I had secretly hoped that he would still be here._

I had managed also to find the gay club a few days ago and enjoyed the atmosphere, more than I thought I would.

I suddenly heard a knock on the door.

"Edward!" my mother's soft voice squealed.

I laughed and opened the door. I felt my mother's arms wrap around me as my father walked past me.

I turned and saw him smile at me as I lead them to the small living room, constantly watching his eyes roam around the place.

"Looks nice" was all he said.

I looked at them as they sat on my couch. I sat on the other side facing the window that led out onto the patio.

I had known Esme and Carlisle since I was six. I had been adopted at a very young age after my mother Elizabeth had passed away from cancer. My father Anthony hadn't wanted me at all.

They had taught me everything about respect, being helpful, truthful and making me believe that trust was what any good friendship or relationship needed to have.

_I thought I knew them both._

I thought that they would love anyone that I loved. However, when my father started verbally abusing Jasper behind my back and my mother kept quiet... _well you could say it changed our relationship a lot._

Sure, my mother and I were close, we could discuss anything under the stars but I never told her about my reason's for coming here..._my true reasons._

"Thanks" I managed a crooked smile.

We sat chatting about memories and things that were happening in New York. My father even discussed with me what my new assignment entailed...I had to listen since he was my father and also unfortunately, my employer.

After a while my father said that we needed to head over to the small restaurant and we headed there in silence. I was glancing everywhere as we walked through the doors.

I suddenly felt my breath hitch when I noticed who was sitting at the table behind the waitress that greeted us.

Jasper leaned against the back of his chair. He was reading something on his laptop. His hair wavy now and looked a dark brown in the light. I noticed that he was with a Native American boy and his blonde girlfriend.

It wasn't until the waitress had asked what section we would prefer to sit in when things started to become insanely undone.

"Non-smoking" my father's voice said and suddenly a pair of blue eyes were glancing into mine.

A look of shock spread through them. I thought I saw the blonde girl, Rose, look over and swore I thought I saw a smile grace her lips.

"Edward?" My mother's voice took me out of the snap and I turned to look at her. My father was headed to our table and my mother was looking at me curiously.

"Sorry." I said when I heard a pixie-like squeal from behind me.

"Edward!" I turned my head to see Alice walking towards me with a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. It wasn't till she noticed my mother that she stopped.

"Do you know her?" My mother said with a soft smile and she was glancing at us. I saw Alice's smile widened.

"Nice seeing you again Mrs. Masen" she said stopping when she reached us. I could feel eyes in the back of my head.

"What're you doing here?" I asked before I could think and she looked at me a little curious.

"I brought Jas-" suddenly she stopped realizing who we were also in company with. I saw my mother's head turn back in the direction I was looking.

I saw Alice blush in embarassment.

"I meant I invited my friends for a small get-together. I'm in town for the week." she giggled.

"Oh" I said and before I could think, my hand grabbed my mother's arm and I pulled her toward's our table.

I managed to turn my head in time to see Alice reach the table with her 'friends' when I saw two dazziling blue eyes glare at me.

"Was that Jasper?" my mother's voice asked and I looked at her.

"Yeah." I managed, with an edge cutting through the air.

She said nothing as she sat next to my father and I sat across from them. I looked over to the table to see Jasper talking to the blonde girl, Rose.

I felt my phone vibrate and grabbed it as my parent's were ordering their drinks.

_Call me later._

The text was from Alice.

**I hope it wasn't too long. I know this was a bit boring (I didn't think it was, but it was a filler). I just wanted you to get the background of Edward. I also needed to introduce the fact that Rose and Alice have met Edward before.**

**However Jasper doesn't know any of that information yet.. I wonder what our dear Jasper is thinking seeing his ex, and the family that destroyed him, walking into somewhere he never would have imagined or expected to see.**

**I want you to know that from now on we'll start getting to the really juicy parts.**

**I still am looking for a banner-maker for this. If you think you might like to do this, I would love to hear from you.**

**Remember that reviews always equal love and are a great motivator !**


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